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A (purely theoretical) masterclass in the well-earned duvet day. Perfect the croaky phone voice, choose a boring unverifiable ailment, and — above all — turn your location off. It ranks illnesses by believability, times your sickie like a pro, exposes the rookie mistakes, and coaches the triumphant, slightly-fragile return. A hilarious gift for the colleague who's always 'coming down with something.' Strictly for entertainment.

• ✓The golden rules
• ✓Illness believability ranking
• ✓The phone-voice masterclass
• ✓Timing (advanced)
• ✓The alibi checklist
• ✓The triumphant return